This morning at one of the churches we've visited before, a woman asked me how things were going with ERC (Emmaus Road Church). I answered her as I do nearly everyone who asks. I tell the good stories about the people we've met, about the dreams we have, about how God seems to be opening doors for us. And all of that is true, and I think people need to hear that encouragement.
But the reality is, I wonder if I'm misleading them into thinking that planting a church is easy, that things just fall into your lap, that there's little hard labor and sorrow and loneliness and disappointment and uncertainty involved. That it's something you can do in your spare time when you feel like it. That it doesn't shake you to your foundation. That, at the end of many weeks I resonate with the exasperation of Charlie Brown when he exclaims, "Good grief!"
If I'm honest with you, I will tell you that I don't have a "game plan." That I don't really know what I'm doing. That I've questioned myself and God more times than I can count. That I've looked at other churches with a mixture of envy and despair (both envying and despairing at the same exact things). That I've been laid bare and found wanting on too many occasions. That my best attempts at anything seem about as effective as stopping a hurricane with an umbrella.
I say all of this because, as those who believe in the reality of God's love manifested in Christ, I owe it to you not to put a varnish over the very real scuff marks and gouges in the wood of this thing for fear you could get the wrong idea about following God. It's not easy. We're fools if we ever think it will be.
And yet, as difficult as it is, there is good news in all of this: At least I don't have to fake desperation for God anymore.
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3 comments:
Yeah...no one tells you that stuff before you get there. You hear the stats that 90% (or whatever) fail, but they never tell you that you get to feel like a failure the entire time too.
But in the end, if you wait long enough for God to do his thing, it will either work as a church or it will work to make you a different person and leader...if you are really lucky it will be both.
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your honesty.
I think the world of you and Barb and believe that the faith that you have is amazing and because of that I tend to excuse myself from taking risks for God because I am not like "you guys".
I often choose to believe that you are somehow created different than me, that God would not call me to do hard things because He did not make me like that.
He knows how impatient I am and all my fears. He knows that I would doubt Him and question His will and His timing. And so He calls the extraordinary to do those things.
Reading your words reminds me that he uses ordinary people with ordinary hopes and fears to do amazing things. It reminded me that God did not choose to make you different so He could use you but that you are different because you choose to be used by God.
I am praying for you and Barb and trusting that God will give you a true sense of peace in what you are doing in Toledo and that He would make known His plans for you.
Take care!!
Heather
Heather, your words are powerful. Thanks for sharing them with me.
It sounds like you've already answered some of your own questions.
We're all at different points in life, with different life circumstances--some of them aid and some of them preclude us from doing what we'd like.
Continue making peace with who you are and where you are--but be willing to put it all on the line for God, for what He calls you to be and do right where you are.
Peace, friend.
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